Code Switching: From Code Red to Code Blue

Before we dive into talking about my life and what I am experiencing, I need to provide some background to how I got to this point in my life. This week’s blog post explores the last 7 years of my life, and how I ended up as a nurse.

In the middle of my undergraduate education I was forced to transfer universities, leaving American University behind. I wanted to continue my pursuit of international relations at UConn; the funny thing was, UConn did not offer a degree in international relations. As a person who despised politics, it was a hard pill to swallow, to leave one of the top international relations programs in the country and enroll in a political science degree back at the very university I tried to avoid (UConn is a great school, it was just too close to home for me). I officially transferred to UConn in the Spring of 2014 and one year later, I applied to the Masters of Public Policy Analysis and Public Administration Fast-track program. At that point, I honestly had no idea what I truly wanted to do with my career, I just knew that I could not pass up an essentially free Masters Degree. While finishing up both my Masters and Undergraduate degrees simultaneously, I came to the conclusion that

all I wanted to do was take inefficiency, make it efficient, and try and make some positive change on a greater scale.

Upon graduating in the spring of 2017 with my MPA/MPP, the new presidential administration was already wreaking havoc with state budget cuts and mass layoffs. At the time, I was working as a policy analyst for UConn, but soon would become just another of the few thousand state employees who were laid off. To be honest, I really did not like my job…but it was a job, I was making money, and I had a routine. Losing that sense of security threw me for a loop and I found myself in a state of panic and depression.

I never thought that I would find myself in this position: I lost my job, had to move in with my parents, and was completely lost. I knew I needed to find a job and get out of the house as soon as I could. I utilized every outlet under the sun: Monster.com, LinkedIn, Indeed, ZipRecruiter, and the individual hiring sites for each company. I created a massive spreadsheet (that I have since deleted out of frustration) consisting of the 600+ jobs I applied to. At this point, I had a Masters Degree in a field where I could bring about change for the better, or so I thought. 600+ applications sent out, using a “shotgun” approach, spamming HR representatives and alumni for advice or opportunities, and I only received TWO interviews.

Throughout the job application process, I needed a routine to bring me out of the dark place in which I found myself. The only jobs I found were as a substitute teacher for AP history at a local high school and a receptionist at a nail salon. I promised myself I would not regress and take a job that I felt was “beneath me”, and I broke that promise. Here is a guy in his mid-twenties, recently out of a long-term relationship, laid off, living at home, and lost on a career path; all variables which only contribute to a depressive state. I never thought I would find myself in this position: all my friends and former classmates all having great success and obtaining incredible jobs, everyone going on vacations and having fun, all while I was stuck in a dark place. I began to think and believe that this was all my fault and that I was the sole contributor to my failure. Having to work outside of your intended field is a common occurrence in today’s society, but I saw myself as a failure and the sole cause of my struggles.

The job market failed me and so did my university alumni. This sense of failure spilled over into my dating life, too. Constantly applying to jobs, working two financially unstable jobs, and living at my father’s house did not bode well in the dating game, not well at all. The sheer anxiety of hearing the questions, “what do you do for work” and “where do you live”, and the dreadful experience of repeatedly getting ghosted made the act of dating a nightmare and thus only amplified my depression. No employer wanted me and no girl wanted me; how could one have any self-confidence? Seeing the matches on dating apps disappear, the job application spreadsheet grow longer, and the never-ending stream of rejection emails from employers was devastating and presented more of a low point in my life than when I was essentially homeless in Washington, D.C.

A young adult, who graduated with honors from both this undergrad and graduate programs, who applied to anything and everything, only heard from two companies? That was a harder pill to swallow than having to be a political science major. Lo and behold, I had to choose between an Accountant’s assistant at an architecture firm or a real-time crime and intelligence analyst. Obviously I chose the job which presented the most adventure/thrill and worked in the world of counterterrorism and gang-work.

Fast forward about a year on the job and I was already trying to use my advanced degree to bring about efficiency and positive change, as I saw this as an opportunity to continue a career in the clandestine field. The political climate of my line of work was incredibly toxic and I was not just seen as a “squeaky wheel” but as someone who was going to create trouble. At this time, law enforcement was seen in a negative light in the public’s eye, and would only get worse. I knew that I needed to get out of this line of work - I hated my job and had very little respect for those I worked with and worked for. I would call my grandparents on my way to and from work everyday, complaining about what was going on and what I subjected myself to.

With the political climate going the way it was, and my unhappiness growing even more, I decided to explore other opportunities. I was told my entire life that I was not smart enough to do well in school or take science classes. Experiencing the complete opposite of “words of affirmation” from my “role models'' caused me to believe their exact words; so I said to myself, “at this point, why not?”. While working full time and day/night rotating shifts, I enrolled in a few community colleges and challenged my haters by signing up for science courses. I wanted to have direct contact with those I was trying to help, and decided medicine was the way to go. Now, I knew I wanted to be a doctor, but I also wanted to have a family at some point, so med-school was out of the question for me. The next best option was to pursue a role as a DNP/Practitioner. The only path I saw ahead of me was to quit my career and become a Nursing Assistant at a hospital.

I literally went from stopping crime to wiping ass.

As one could expect, this transition was once again a rough one. I moved back home…again…and worked full time as a Nursing Assistant taking prerequisites for Nursing School. Looking back, this was the best decision I could have made at the time; now, as a Nurse, I have the utmost respect for my Nursing Assistants and treat them as my team members. Being in the role allowed me to use my “people skills” and excel in the clinical setting. Now, I knew going into this role of pursuing a career in Nursing, that I wanted to eventually continue my education in DNP School, and unfortunately add to the 75K+ student loan debt that I have accumulated. When this will happen, it’s anyone’s guess, but I am hoping to start my terminal degree as soon as I get a comfortable amount of time and experience under my scrubs. For now, I’ll be here, making my patients laugh and sprinting to answer bed alarms, a good reminder that Nursing is my Cardio.